Never EVER mess with noble's rumors
by NorthernShinigami
Summary: Poor poor Renji-kun always screwing things up. But it's not like it's his fault, right?...well, it's really not his fault, but he's still screwed. it's not like Byakuya could beat a sweet "innocent" girl like Yachiru...


**Disclaimer**: I don't own bleach nor did I planned it to be so long O__O! SORRY!

**warning**: Swearing, implied sex, a "little" gore in the end and..total crack. you were warned. The truth is..I'm not sure about it, so I removed it but...ho well..if it's not that funny, at least it can pass time or something..

* * *

"Kusajishi-fukotaichou-! Don't go there! Kusajishi-!"

It was supposed to be one of those gathering of- and you won't believe that but its true- of Shinigami Women Association AND the Men's Association, in the _same_ room, that started to operate about a month ago.

No, they hadn't decided to work together (they better let Aizen take over the world then do that), but after Matsumoto got pregnant, and the two associations couldn't come to agreement about the unborn infant's name, they had come to conclusion that it's safer (for who?!) to arrange the name's discussion together.

The strawberry blond woman started to grow a belly, which was really problematic, since she tied her Shihakusho's obi quite hard and tight because of her...assets (no need to get into details, right?...), but now, in one hand, she didn't want to wear her Shihakusho's top like normal people (meaning covering the boobs) but in the other hand, was afraid to squash the baby.

So, the grate master of beauty design, the grate Ko..-Yumichika-sama!, or whatever he had called himself, had came up with the very grate idea.

.............To walk naked.

Yeah...it turned out that when Ichigo, Orihime and Chado came to visit and congratulate the tenth fukotaichou, Kon had followed them to Seireitei. No one was sure what was the biggest surprise; that Kon had actually managed to stay quiet and undetected the whole way (especially since that the huge worm-like vacuum appeared [again!]), or that he, god knows how (maybe he does know?...they were considering opening a Garaganta and ask him), succeeded to steal Yumichika's Gigai. Which the fifth seat was still 'wearing' when he returned to Soul-Society. Seriously, fifth seat Ayasegawa was beaten by a babbling plush doll.

Non the less, the fifth seat was more then furious. The dead-Kon-sama decided to turn 'his' new body to something more..._manly. _He did some....some...some _things _to it. (for the sake of the only sane [-relatively. and smart...in some topics] living being in the squad full of insane idiots, lets just drop the subject- just like Kon had dropped 'his' body (AKA Yumi's) out of the window in the white tower or how he got enlargement surgery in a VERY sensitive area--Ho crap-Yumichika started to wail again- did I wrote it out loud?..Ops.... )

Anyway, the ever considered Ishida, came also with some supplies for Matsumoto's health, such as books about babies, suited clothes (that he made himself) and something to help the woman's back. Orihime was impressed when Matsumoto said (while death-hugging Ishida) that she'd never told anyone about the back problems.

The both women were sure that the Quincy is a mind-reader.

The Quincy was sure he was dead the moment Matsomoto 'hugged' him.

He was right.

By the way, wasn't Ishida supposed to hate Shinigami..?....(what's Ryuken doing here?..he isn't in the script....)

Hisagi finally came out of his trauma....but....he still didn't came out of his still locked\Kidou blocked room. And Kira is hiding with him.

You see, being the planner of the whole mess, Kurotsuchi (after three weeks laying somewhere in the Sahara desert, on top of some big ancient sculpture he remembered was called 'The _Sphinx', _in a land called 'Egypt', that has few weird triangular structures with peoples living inside, melting the ice. After reading his report [with photographs], Yamamoto came to the conclusion that humans just aren't suited for hot climate. Humans are SO weird; Seriously, if they can't stand the heat of the sun that burn them so much that they must walk around all bandaged from head to toe, then move away to another place. Or at least change the bandages, it looks like at least two thousand years old, seriously, they look so old in it...like walking-deads or something.)....................................

.......Anyway, being the planner of the whole mess, Kurotsuchi had decided he has right to make some 'checks' on the future parents. He still hadn't forgotten Hitsugaya (and Nanao), so 'checking' Matsumoto was out of question.

Unfortunate for the cony Hi\Usagi, like Kira, he didn't have a captain to protect him. _(Usagi is rabbit in Japanese.)_

And here some other useless details:

Matsumoto is pregnant for four months now, the war had ended three months ago, with the Shinigami's win of course. When that big monster that Appache, Sunsun and Mila-rose created bit Matsumoto, The fetus that barely started to grow was in the still attached side of her belly, unscratched. most of the Espada dead, Aizen Ichimaru and Tousen escaped back to Hoeco-Mundo, leaving the Hokgyoku in Urahara's hands. Orihima is back, No-one is dead, I don't own bleach and everything's goody fruity (except the last part).

Until in one of the meeting of SWA and SMA some Idiot gave yachiru a chocolate-cappuccino. The next word that the pink Xtra-hyperactive demon heard was 'banana'.

And now she's inside the Kuchiki-manor. And who was chosen to return her but the second-in-command of the same Kuchiki?

'After all, a captain won't harm his lieutenant, right?' That's what they said.

Fortunately: it is true. Mostly (Or not....).

Unfortunately: mostly, Kuchiki-taichou won't _harm_ his second-in-command............he'll just kill him.

Did Renji planned to come inside the manor? no. Did the imbecile noticed he's already inside the manor?.....of course: no.

He also didn't noticed the design of the room he'd just run into and the specific Haori hanging on the hanger with two very delicate precious articles on a small table, which would've implied him to get the hell out the room.

He only noticed these things and _something else _when Yachiru hopped on his head, making him stumble on the Tatami floor. He tried to grab to stabilize himself but slip right inside the water-filled _manned _bathtub with something long Bright blue-green-white thing that awfully resembled.. "Kuchiki-taichou's...scarf....?...."

Than he noticed the person under him in the full bathtub. not even hearing the pink fairy's devilish laughter, he did heard other words.

"Hado no roku-juu-san; Raikoho."

~x~x~x~

"Iba-san, you idiot! I told you already not let her drink that!" The breathless red-haired fukotaichou growled as he run all around the meeting room to catch the pink blur.

"No, you said not to give caffeine. This is a li...que...are....whatever its called!"

"It's 'liqueur', Iba-Fukotaichou, and it's alcohol." Said the irate Nanao. "Anyway, let's just try to ignore her and continue with our matter, shall we?...any suggestions?"

Nemu spoke. "Mayuri-sama-"

She was interrupted by the second squad captain. "I have told Kurotsuchi this at least thousand times: we're NOT calling the baby 'Mayurina'."

Nanao sighed. 'here it starts again.....'

"..............I think we should call it Yoruichi."

"Mayuri-sama has the right on this infant since it is_ his_ creation-"

"It will be growing in Seireitei. It should be-"

"Come on, Soi-fong-Taichou, you know Shihoin Yoruichi has nothing to do with this-"

"Let's call it Ibane!"

"What kind of stupid name is that?!"

"It's a good name-!

"Ahh..no its NOT!"

"That's ENOUGH! NO 'Mayurina' NO 'Yoruichi' and NO 'Ibane'! the meeting is over! come back when you'll have some REAL suggestions! and where the hell's Rangiku-san?! it's HER baby!" twitching repeatedly in annoyance the vice of SWA slammed the door shut and stormed out of the room.

"That's IT!" Now they turned to glare at the pissed red-head with something that looked like green-chewing gum-dough on his head. "Catch her yourselves! I'm out of here!" but before he managed to slide the door open he flinched with terrified 'Gha!' as his sleeve was pinned to the doorpost by three Shurikens.

"Stay here, Abarai. I have something to ask you." Said the two-braided woman as she closed her magazine (with Yoruichi starring on the magazine's first post) and stood up from her chair. Renji was just calming down and mumbled; "You didn't have to throw blades at me..."

"What up with your captain? seriously, despite the fact that he's being insanely mad for the past two weeks, he's Reitsu's leaking and terrorizing the captain's meeting that I'm amazed that Yamamoto-Soutaicho hadn't noticed yet. Actually, he's the only one that didn't noticed, and it's going on already two weeks! even Unohana and Ukitake couldn't help..."

Everyone stopped to listen. It hasn't been a secrete that Kuchiki-Taichou was mad for some reason, perhaps it had something to do with half of the manor looked liked being bombed by lightning storm or something, but Renji insisted that he has no idea why and was persistent to stay as far away as he could from the sixth devision when the captain is there.

She hadn't noticed the red-haired slip through the door as she sank deep into the memory of one of those meetings.

_~~~~~~**FLASHBACK**~~~~~~_

".....To serve example to others...and as captains of the Gutei thirteen, we MUST pay attention to our sroundings and be aware of what's happening...." No need to say, no one was really paying attention to the Soutaichou's speech. Though it was ironic that he was babbling about of awareness since he's the one who didn't do that...

Anyway, this captain's meeting, like the last two, was divided to four groups:

_The Ignorance_- the hag who's speaks about alertness and after more that two thousand years STILL hadn't noticed that no one's listening. He didn't even noticed that Soi-fong and Kyoraku; who was by both of the 'terrorist's' sides, moved at least fifty meters away from the frontline and build a barrier around themselves with Hitsugaya and Kurotsuchi, and hadn't noticed the 'interesting decorations' in his chamber.

_The_ _Peace Delegation_- that was trying to thwart the plans of the crazy-mad terrorist, consisting from all the attending captains except three (the ignorance, the terrorist and the outcast).

_The_ _Terrorist_- the mad captain who's leaking his furious Reitsu, and wasn't paying attention to anything except being brutally mad- AKA Kuchiki Byakuya, who's burning with evil dark-ping-purple-magenta halo and red eyes with huge matching cloud above his head and covering the whole ceiling with bloody red sharp sakura petals and furious strong breeze of furry.

And the last- _The Outcast_- Komamora, that wasn't sure what to do, since he's captain, but at the same time was extremely loyal to Yamamoto-Soutaicho.

Despite the protests that Kyoraku nearly heard the others shouting in his head, he tried anyway. As he moved more away from the blazing madness to get out of the shaking barrier he released a little of his Reitsu-and immediately got a nasty slash that cut nearly half of his hat.

Ukitake sighed. Of course it wouldn't work. Just like with Kurotsuchi, Soi-fong and Zaraki. Kurotsuchi is a mad scientist; his Reitsu would only make the noble even more mad. Soi-fong was suspicious and alert all the time, being the chief of the special forces, her Reitsu wouldn't help, and Kenpachi.....Yeah, let's make things easier for the terrorist, why not.

So what's the problem with Kyoraku?....maybe you should ask his lieutenant if you still don't get it.

Unohana and Ukitake swore that they started to hear the cheers of the other captain (and everyone close to the first division's meeting room) in their heads as they struggled to keep their calming soothing Reitsu at stand. Yamamoyo was really going senile if he didn't noticed three captains nearly ready to release Bankai.

'I'm already past Shikai! he's crazier then Genryusai-sensei on rampage!'

'Please restrain yourself, Jushiro, don't use too mach power, it's bad for your health.'

'With all the respect, if I restrain myself now, we all doomed....*sigh* and I thought the case with Hitsugaya was bad....'

'Mind to remind you, Ukitake-Taichou, as the captain of the healing squads, my duty is to make sure my patients are-'

'GAH!--Retsu! calm down--your mood affecting your Reitsu's mood--and his!..damn, It almost reaped my head off..'

'Ho my--my deepest apologies, Jushiru.'

Ukitake just sighed, completely unaware of the fact that they'd just spoke in telepathy, and released some more.

But it didn't worked. Actually, it seemed that when someones Reitsu starting to affect Kuchiki to much, that someone gets a vicious blade-breeze like attack, and it seems that the mad noble was just getting more heated.

so Hitsugaya tried his chance this time.

He stepped out the barrier and let out a little more then fair amount of his frosty Reitsu. Now he started to hear the cheers too. It seems like everyone was going telepathic or something.

'Go! Hitsugaya-Taichou!'

'Good luck, brat!'

'Who you're calling brat, Zaraki?!'

'So?, your are a brat.'

'Ho yeah?! I don't see YOU out here!'

'.....You're saying you want ME to try?'

"NO!"

And not surprising, even that united scream from all the captains didn't woke Yamamotou up.

Literally. He's a sleep now.

.............It took Hitsugaya whole week to get the ice around him and_ on _him to disappear.

~~~~~~**END--FLASHBACK**~~~~~~

"Matsumoto, your pregnancy doesn't affect your hands. If you're here, at least DO the paperwork!"

"But Taichou, pregnancy _does _affect my brain! and without my brain I can't do it, see?!! am I right? Nemu?! Mashiro-chan?! Yachiru-chan?!"

"The pregnancy affects mood and cognitive abilities and-"

"HAA!! so Byak-kun is pregnant too?!"

Hitsugaya chocked his tea. "No, Kusajishi, Kuchiki-Taichou is NOT pregnant. And as for you, Matsumoto, your cognitive abilities were already lacking and your brain is deficient; you never use it. So DO THE GODDAMN PAPERS!"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DON'T HAVE BRAIN? ARE YOU MAKING FUN OF ME?!"

"Don't yell-"

"AND HERE I THOUGH I WILL HAVE SOME SUPPORT, BUT YOUR NOT BATTER THAN ZARAKI-TAICHOU WITH KUCHIKI-SAN'S PLUSHY RABBITS!"

"...Your not making any sense..."

"OF COURSE I'M NOT SENSE! WHATS THAT?!!! I'M NOT SENSIBLE?! YOU THINK I'M JUST SOME BRAINLESS OAF BECAUSE I'M FAT?! IS THAT IT?! YOU THINK MY BOOBS ARE SWOLLEN AND HURTS BECAUSE I'M SENSIBLE?! HOW CUTE! HOO! YOU WANT TO FEEL THEM?! YOU WANT MILK?!! COME HERE MY LITTLE CUTE PLUSHY RABBIT!!! COME TO MAMAAAAAAA!!!"

"GAH!! MATSUMOTO! GET AWAY FROM ME! NO--DON'T--PUT BACK YOUR SHIRT!--DON'T PURR LIPS--MATSU--!!! *censored*"

"Ahh! Shiro-chan is SO lucky...." (*checking in the script why Kuna Mashiro is there*) "..But..wouldn't Hiyuri be jealous?.."

"I believe Matsumoto-Fukotaichou's cognitive abilities has decreased more and her brain shrank into a raisin."

"..So if Byak-kun is pregnant...then the father is....haa!!"

"Hel....lp..."

~x~x~x~

"...Ano...Ni-sama.....why is this side of the manor looked like someone dropped a toaster into a bath full of water?..."

"It was a red toaster."

"Ho......"

"I HATE red toaster."

"...Ho...."

"Byak-kun is pregnant! and pineapple is the father!!"

The whole human-group deadpaned.

"...Kusajishi-Fukotaichou, I believe you mistake me with Matsumoto-Fukotaichou and Hisagi-Fukotaichou. I'm most DEFINITELY NOT pregnant."

"So what you and pineapple were doing in the same bathtub? cause Ken-chan says that when woman and man showering together then that's how babies coming from!"

It was now hard for the noble to keep straight emotionless face. "Kusajishi-Fukotaichou, I am certainly NOT a woman."

"That's OK, Byak-kun, you're secret's safe with me! HEY! Shun-Shun! GUESS WHAT! BYAK-KUN IS PREGNANT AND PINEAPPLE IS THE FATHER!!"

"Ho~ he's not denying about showering with Renji.." whispered the smirking orange-head substitute to the Quincy.

"I don't see why you're so surprised. His Zanpakuto IS pink flowers. It was obvious he's gay from start."

"Yeah, I guess you're right-- Rukia, are you alright?..ahh, Inoue?..Rukia..?...why..why are you beaming?..."

".............I'm going to be aunt! *^*...*sniff sniff* "

".............Byakuya-san is a walking miracle! He's a woman and don't have any boobs!"

Ishida, Ichigo and Chado sweat-dropped. "Ah...not exactly..."

"Ho well, congratulations, Byakuya!"

"......Ichigo..."

"..Yeah, Chadd, I know. RUN!"

~x~x~x~

"...Come again?" the blond thirds fukotaichou was the first to regain his speaking sense.

He, Hisagi, Iba, Ikkaku, Yumichika, Zaraki and Renji were calmly sitting in a bar, drinking. And then the pink demoness burst in, chewed Ikkaku's shining polished Disco-ball-head and chirped an very...interesting statement.

"Byak-kun and pineapple are going to have BABY!"

They just stared (after spitting their drinks of course).

"That's explains why Kuchiki-Taichou is so mad.....you got his sister pregnant, Abarai?" deadpaned Hisagi as he and everyone else took a sip from their drinks after calming down.

Unfortunately, before the poor red-haired managed to pronounce a single word, Yachiru surpassed him.

"No silly! he got Byak-kun pregnant! In the same bath! HAA?! Ruki-cah is also pregnant?!"

The bartender sighed and made a mental note to himself; to order a sponge counter, perhaps if it would absorb the drinks that the costumers are spitting out everytime instead of swallowing them like they should to, then he wouldn't have to waste time on wiping it.

'....And floor made out of sponge.'

'........And clothes. What's with these Shinigami?! what are they, llamas?!!..and baboons, their laughter is so loud...'

"ABARAI....seriously..you could have said something...that's so...so.."

"Don't laugh, it's not fanny! and nothing happened! if you just let me explain--"

"No wonder Kuchiki had been so mad! What did you do? raped him?..."

"Zaraki-Taichou! Of course no! it's just--"

"Why, Abarai-Fukotaichou..I..didn't knew you swing that way...."

"I AM NOT! just listen to me for on--"

"Hoo, look who's talking; mister I'm-so-beautiful-big-AHEM-"

"I don't see YOU complaining mister Please-hurry-I-can't-hold-"

"..I knew it."

"What the--?! NO! Zaraki-Taichou--guys! that's not what you think!"

"Ho, really?! then you can forget about it this night!"

"WHAT?! NO!!! wait--Yumichika!! I'm SORRY--don't--"

"SHUT UP YOU GUYS!....I'm hearing something...."

Iba listen. "..........................It sounds like....footsteps..heels?...."

Kira and Hisagi listen, trying to calm down from laughter, then suddenly chocked on their tongues.

"HOLY MACARONI, That's Kurotsuchi!"

And suddenly the door to the bar burst open and the crazy scientist with wide eyes run to them and with raised knees and heels hopped a pirouette above the counter and run pass the back door.

".....What that was about?..." mumbled Iba but the blond and the brunet were only relieved.

"That's not what I heard..." said Zaraki, staring at the half open door.

"...Ahh! I hear it now!" called the bald. "You mean that 'woosh' sound?..hey, is these petals flying inside...?"

"Ken-chan, you know how I always annoying people but manage to escape before they do something? well, then my danger-sensors are ringing. BYE BYE!"

"Abarai....That 'HOLY MACARONI' thing.....you know, noodles.....on the head.....I think you better run."

The door was sent flying and crushed in the wall above them behind the counter.

"..I think so too."

"............Wow, I didn't knew he Abarai can run so fast..."

~x~x~x~

Unohana was pleasantly sipping tea and cookies in the fourth entrance Yard, enjoying the pleasant wind and waiting when Hanataro and Isane approached her.

"Unohana-Taichou, I had prepared the emergency-operation-room."

"Good work, Yamada-nanaseki, thank you."

"Unohana-Taichou, I had delivered your note to Soi-fong-Taichou, that says to prepare the special-forces for hunting and restraining."

"Thank you very much, Isane."

"Ano...Unohana-taichou..may I ask..why....?"

The calm captain sipped from her cup. "Well, the truth is, that half an hour ago I was blessed with a very quick visit from the most sweet delightful cute little child that brought to my attention about the current rumor passing through Seireitei at the moment. Did you know that Abarai-Tukotaichou had gotten both Kuchiki-Taicho and his little sister pregnant? I'm going to give him a nice little lecture about something called 'contraceptive methods'....hoo, here they come."

"Unohana-Taichou! help! he's bleeding! and he's head is about to fall--goddamn--KIRA! hold it--it's detaching! Madarame--don't release his legs! Where's the arm?!-- Ayasegawa, pick it up--"

"But it's bleeding...it's gonna make me all dirty and smelly--and it's SO disgusting.."

"HOO, for God's sake!"

"Called?"

"AIZEN!!"

*Checking the script*......*to Aizen*...I was planning Ichimaru to come..It's _Matsumoto's_ pregnancy after all..

"He's shopping, picking baby's clothes and toys. Hope you don't mind me coming instead."

..Ho well *sigh*...

"Nee........"

Yes, Mashiro?

"...Where's Shiro-chan?...I though you wanted to sent him to the nice braided lady other there...."

......................HITSUGAYA! I completely forgot about him!

"....He's probably already dead."

....Thanks, Aizen. very consoling.

"Why thank you, it's in my personality."

RIGHT....................................................................................................................*dot button stuck*........................

And Unohana just sipped from her cup.

".........Cookie, anyone?"

~x~x~x~

Yes, thank you!..*chewing the cookie* ..bag of cookies for everyone who is gonna review!

"...Excuse me but...."

..Hinamori?

"...If Kuchiki-Taichou used Raikohou in a bathtub full of water...and Raikohou is lightning attack, it's electricity.....then...shouldn't Kuchiki-Taichou and Abarai-kun be at least with burnt hair or something?..."

Ah.......................


End file.
